The Best Dating Advice

Halloween may still be months away. And you find the idea of dressing up in a costume to go out in public and garner the favor of strangers galling.

Yet, that is exactly what we all do, everyday. We “put on our best face”, “dress for success” and “take on the world. The truth is, we are all insecure (and some would say we’re conditioned to be this way from an early age). It’s in the way we are raised. In generations gone by, stepping out of your cultural norms or expectations could lead to public shaming. Of course this only works if you care about what others think.

There’s a school of thought that says this desire for getting other people’s approval is hardwired in us from the days we had a tribal culture when it was a struggle just to stay alive. Here, being in everyone’s good graces meant you had the protection and resources of the group to help you live another day.

We remain affected by this desire today. We are still under a lot of pressure to make sure we are well received by strangers, whether it’s a job interview or a first date. If we completely tank, on an emotional level, we feel that loss, that primal pain of not being accepted, deeply, as though those tribal conditions still existed.

Unfortunately, this emotional angst pops up continually in our dating lives. We have given it much more authority than it deserves in our modern times and even tied it in how we perceive ourselves. Many of us, fueled by this innate desire to be accepted, are prone to bargaining away the very thing that others find attractive about us.

When we attempt to trade our power in a relationship for acceptance, we present a less than desirable picture of who and what we are. The situation reeks of someone who does not value themselves and feels they have to resort to bribery to gain affection. Do Not let this be you. You’re better than that. I know you are.

The mask you want to wear; the portrait you want to convey, the one that turns heads, is one of cavalier disregard balanced with an up-beat attitude, a positive outlook, self-determined action, an insatiable curiosity about the world & the people in it, and a fixed determination to accomplish the goals you have decided are worthwhile.

Show the world this is the person you are and they will “beat down your door” to meet you.

In these modern times, Belgians are beloved the world over for their chocolates, waffles and (to a lesser extent) doughnuts. But in 1771, while still under rule by Austria, they came up with something truly revolutionary: La Marche Des Canards.

Rumour has it that La Marche Des Canards was one of the weapons in Josephine de Beauharnais sexual “war chest”, used to seduce Napoleon Bonaparte in October of 1795. History tells us that six months later, he married her. Coincidence?

What was this weapon of seduction? It literally translates to English as “the march (or walk) of the ducks”. Derived from the way ducks will all waddle down to the pond in a single row and jump in the water, it describes the process of placing a line of petite kisses, starting at your lover’s forehead, down the bridge of their nose and “jumping” to their lips for the final smooch (big splash).

Historically, we lose track of it here, but “La Marche Des Canards” later resurfaces in the unlikeliest of places. After more than a century and a half, it shows up halfway across the world in the United States of America, just after the end of World War II. And, along with its transatlantic journey comes a new name: The Nose Dive.

While we only have anecdotal evidence to suggest that the name change came from returning U.S. Air Force pilots, “The Nose Dive”, does differ from its Belgian cousin in one important respect: The American “march” has been truncated and kisses only begin being placed on one’s lover’s nose mid-bridge.

If you have spent anytime at all associating with the human race, chances are you’ve been turned on to the idea of keeping yourself available to meeting your “soul mate”.

The elusive “yin” to one’s “yang”, countless numbers of romantic hopefuls talk gleefully of the day they will meet their “soul mate”. The truth is, they have probably already met any number of singles who could have become their soul mate.

Where the childhood fairy tales trip us up is in the expectation that our soul mate will show up on our doorstep one day, fully compatible with all our needs and desires.

As with many things in life, your soul mate will probably not look like anything like what you think your soul mate should look like when you meet him or her. It is, afterall, the deepening connections that happen through your shared experiences, trials and joys, as you build your life together that will ultimately transform you and that person in to each other’s soul mate.

The notion that soul mates are developed, through a deep shared connection, rather than being “ready-made” individuals you just haven’t met yet is contrary to the multiple media messages we get everyday about how easy and effortless love should be.

The bottom line is that relationships DO take work. If you start off with chemistry, mutual respect, a sincere desire to be together for the long-term and you are willing put in the effort to make the relationship work (this is where a lot people bail), you will find over time that you are with your soul mate.

Taking the responsibility of finding that person and not allowing yourself to chalk up your singlehood to fate, will increase your likelihood of meeting that special person who could become your soul mate.

In our point-and-click world of instant gratification and multiple choice living, were faced with more options about what to have, be and do than any other generation in history.

This is especially true when it comes down to choosing a mate. With the inroduction of the internet and the widespread use social media, our options have exploded. Where you were once limited to meeting someone in your geographical area, you can now meet people from all over the world.

Internet Dating, whose humble roots started in the back pages of the local newspaper classified section has lost the stigma of “desperation” and become and accepted and valuable time-management tool for students and young urban professionals on the go.

The promise is: your ability to meet thousands of singles who exactly match the criteria you have for a mate. This has lead some to adopt a “checklist” approach to dating.

The problem is: the longer your checklist is, the less people you will find who meet all your criteria. While this may help you to narrow the field of unlimited choices initially, you need to understand that as you add more attributes, you will be disqualifying people whom under different circumstances you might have called “The One”.

If you use your checklist as a “guide” and not a “must have” list of qualities, you will avoid the trap that many singles find themselves in while on their quest for love. Many times our lists contain attributes that are found across a range of personality types, and could never be realistically embodied by one person.

Here’s what to do:

Take your checklist and segregate it into 3 sections. Choose only your top five :
“must have” qualities
“would be nice to have” qualities and
“better not have” qualities

Keep it simple and you will find you are meeting a lot of potential partners. There are a lot of great people out there.

If you “buy in” to the media and societal message that your extensive checklist “soul mate” is “just around the corner”, you may find yourself being hyper-critical with the people you do date, to the point where you are continually disqualifying potential candidates based on minor flaws and never quite finding that perfect relationship you are so desperately chasing.

…never let it rest? Okay, that’s a good theory when it comes to working on your school projects or business ideas, but when it comes to romance, it could be recipe for perpetual singledom?

As you gain more experience in your dating life and attract higher and higher quality lovers, the more temptation there is to “trade up” when there’s a lull in the relationship rather than address the issue; even when, by most accounts, “everything’s great”.

Six months in to a stable, fulfilling relationship, shortly after the initial “honeymoon” phase, you may wake up one morning and ask yourself, “I wonder what else is out there?” Whether you act on that question or not may depend on how deeply influenced you are by the media reinforced cultural messages that:

1) there is always someone better for you out there
2) your odds of finding this person is inevitable given the number of singles looking for love in all the wrong places.
3) while your waiting to find your soul mate, you will have a great time hanging out with your single friends.

Fear of settling for someone who is less than perfect in every area and the belief that there are untold thousands of singles who will meet your specific romantic requirements keep many singles single.

The free and easy living depicted by Hollywood screenwriters and the romantic fantasies perpetuated by our television dramas and reality shows have somehow become the baseline expectations for our everyday lives. However, when the day-to-day reality does not match up with our entertainment ideals we are often left feeling disappointed; questioning and even devaluing the lives we have.

Don’t get caught in the trap of comparing your situation to the idealized versions coming through your television screen.

A couple of weeks ago, we talked about the best ideas for approaching and engaging someone you don’t know.

However, the best techniques in the world won’t help you, if you are not able to go over and say “something”. This is where a lot of people, especially men get stuck. Not only can they find it physically stressful, but hate the thought of making themselves vulnerable. Usually, they wind up talking themselves out of it, coming up with all kinds of reasons why they might get shot down.

I have been guilty of this in the past too. One particular St. Patrick’s day, I happened to be in a pub just after they finished serving breakfast. I spied a pretty colleen with light in her eyes, a seductive smile and a brazen attitude. She was there with some friends, her father and one of his friends.

I managed to befriend the group, but my fears had kept me from saying anything to the girl. At one point I end up in another section of the bar with the father’s friend, an Irish octogenarian. I confided in him my situation. He took a breath and looked at me with a combination of pity and understanding and offered his advice: “A faint heart never won a fair maid”.

While it hardly seemed helpful at the time, it served to remind me over the years that I had to get out of my own head and have the courage to take some action, if I was going to successfully interact with the opposite sex (let alone go home them).

So here’s your three step action plan:

1) Turn off, blot out, or kill off those nagging voices in your head that tell you you can’t do it or it won’t work out. They’re not real anyways.

2) Have something to say, preferably bold and humorous. Rehearse it beforehand. Know what direction you want to take the conversation.
This will be an enormous help when your emotions kick up and try to drag you away.

3) Realize that nothing bad is going to happen. Relax and enjoy the moment. See where the conversation leads you. This is just another human being you’re talking to, with all same hopes and fears as the rest of us.

So, you’ve been dating someone for a few months when you suddenly have the realization that this person is just like the last person you dated. And the person before that, and before that and so on. Or are they?

Why is it that no matter what some people do, they always manage to attract the exact same type of relationship, jobs and circumstances they just spent the last six months trying to get away from?

Well it’s not as bewildering as it might first seem. Just like I talk about in “7 Tips To For A Killer First Date“, while you are growing up you absorb a lot of information about how life works from your environment and these “imprints” affect your choices to this day. Even though you no longer have any connection to that original experience.

When it comes to romance, you likely have certain preferences that you screen for when selecting a partner. Some are conscious choices you have made over the years and others are unconscious decisions based on these childhood imprints and your beliefs about what you deserve, how happy you think you should be, etc…

Relationships are dynamic. We are constantly adjusting our actions and communication. In a game of badminton, one player lobs the shuttlecock across the net to the other player. The other player interprets the aim and responds, adjusting his serve. Something not so different is happening when you interact with your significant other. If you are constantly & consistently communicating in the same way and doing the same things every time with each successive partner, it might not surprise you that they all start to react to you in a similar fashion.

Another one of the amazing things our brains do is that they love to pick out and analyze patterns, sometimes where none exist (conspiracy theories, anyone?). Part of that is taking your experiences from past relationships and pointing out when situations seem familiar.

So, if it seems like you are always in the same relationship, even though the people are different, you might want to stop a moment and see if it could have anything to do with:

1) Your Preferences: Your conscious and unconscious decisions about who you want to be with.
2) Your Communication: Are you indirectly creating the same circumstances over and over?
3) Your Beliefs: Are you placing limits on them or yourself because of how you think the world should work?

Any one of them could be the reason you’re getting that oh-so-comfortable familiar feeling mixed in with a heavy dose of unnerving awareness.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to fill out the brief Dating Survey. We got a generous amount of feedback that we will be using to tailor our future posts to your needs. If you haven’t had a chance yet to give us your input, there is a link in the right sidebar that will take you to the survey.

One of the biggest questions to come out of the survey was about meeting new people. In particular, how do you walk up to someone you don’t know and strike up a relationship?

Your Approach: Of course, how you choose to engage the hottie you’ve singled out will depend on where you both are. For example, how you act and what you would say will be different if you are approaching him/her in a club, pub, school library, house party, cafeteria, Frat party, or on the street. You want to think about what each situation demands in terms of your energy level, language, conversation topics and attire.

Time: Because they don’t know you, they’ll likely have their guard up, wondering what you want and how long you’ll be harassing them. Put the personal at ease by telling the right away that you need to get back to your friends (you must be normal, you have friends), but you wanted to come over and say hello first. Or some variant thereof. When your time is up(30 seconds to one minute), leave. You can always follow-up later.

Storytelling: You need something to say other than “Hi, you’re cute”. If you have trouble pulling stuff out the air to talk about, memorize something. Keep it simple, truthful, fun and entertaining. You want the other person to be intrigued. Then, when you come around again, they’re dying to talk to you.

Presence: Being “Present” doesn’t just mean showing up. It’s about actively being focused on what’s happening. When you’re Present, you can feel the energy between the two of you. If you get to that point and you are sincere in your desire to connect with this person (i.e. not just looking for sex), you can say or suggest anything and the other person would likely agree to it. It’s a very intense experience, kinda like looking into someone’s soul.

Context: As Einstein would say, “It’s all about relativity”. Not only do you need to be Present, you need to be congruent with the situation (if you are Present, you’re words and actions will follow). You want to blend in to the atmosphere that’s already there. If there’s a huge mismatch and you are out of sync with your surroundings you risk scaring off the very person you wanted to befriend.

Keep things fun and light. If you don’t end up making a “love connection”, assess what happened. Look at where things went well and think about how you can improve where they didn’t. Tweak your approach and try again.

Spring is traditionally a time for new beginnings. The last vestiges of winter are slowly melting away. That winter romance that kept you all fired up through the ice and snow has started to cool down. Or maybe, you endured the wind and cold solo. Either way, you are warming to the hunger pulling you in to the “summer dating” season. You can feel it in the air – temperatures are climbing and the darling buds of May are poised to blossom.

Last week I talked about “Your Plan”. Well, having a plan is great and all, but if you execute it using the wrong information, you’re not going to get the results you want; whether that’s a date with the charismatic cute boy in class, a hook-up with the sexy latina making eyes at you in the lunch line or charting a life-long relationship with your ideal partner.

I seriously want to make this your best summer ever. In order to do that, I’m gonna need your help. All information is not created equal. “The right information” as it applies to your best friend, may not be the information YOU need to succeed.

Give me five minutes of your time and help me understand the kind of information you are looking for at The Best Dating Advice. I’ve designed a brief survey where you can give us your input.

Just click on the link below:

For anything of significance that has been achieved by humankind, there has been a plan. From the pyramids in Egypt, through the various wars that pepper our history books, to the individual need to outwit, outplay and outlast, there has been a blueprint or strategy for getting the job done.

Why would it be any different in your love life?

Yet, so many men and women have decided that it’s not under their control and chalk it up to fate. How many times have your friends or family members said, “It’ll just happen… when the time is right”? Or “If it’s meant to be….it’ll happen”. Would you travel to a new city without getting directions and proclaim that you’ll get there “If it’s meant to be”?

Fate may be the weight of circumstance, but shouldn’t you align those circumstances in your favour? I do agree that “Things Happen For A Reason”, but that reason is largely influenced by your actions or inactions. Sitting at home and watching TV while waiting for your ideal mate to find you is kinda like playing “Hide & Seek” by hopping the next plane to Europe.

There’s a better way.

Here’s your 3 step Action Plan:

1) Realize that if it’s going to happen, you need to become a creative force is making it happen. This one makes a lot of people uneasy, because it requires moving out of your “comfort zone”

2) Decide exactly what the person you are looking for will look like, their personality, their likes and dislikes, level of education, attitude towards life, even the type of watch they wear. Details are key.

3) Take action everyday to meet this person. Where would they go? Go there. Where do they shop? Shop there. Put yourself in their way. That’s how they will find you.

Try it. You’ll like it.