The Best Dating Advice

Halloween may still be months away. And you find the idea of dressing up in a costume to go out in public and garner the favor of strangers galling.

Yet, that is exactly what we all do, everyday. We “put on our best face”, “dress for success” and “take on the world. The truth is, we are all insecure (and some would say we’re conditioned to be this way from an early age). It’s in the way we are raised. In generations gone by, stepping out of your cultural norms or expectations could lead to public shaming. Of course this only works if you care about what others think.

There’s a school of thought that says this desire for getting other people’s approval is hardwired in us from the days we had a tribal culture when it was a struggle just to stay alive. Here, being in everyone’s good graces meant you had the protection and resources of the group to help you live another day.

We remain affected by this desire today. We are still under a lot of pressure to make sure we are well received by strangers, whether it’s a job interview or a first date. If we completely tank, on an emotional level, we feel that loss, that primal pain of not being accepted, deeply, as though those tribal conditions still existed.

Unfortunately, this emotional angst pops up continually in our dating lives. We have given it much more authority than it deserves in our modern times and even tied it in how we perceive ourselves. Many of us, fueled by this innate desire to be accepted, are prone to bargaining away the very thing that others find attractive about us.

When we attempt to trade our power in a relationship for acceptance, we present a less than desirable picture of who and what we are. The situation reeks of someone who does not value themselves and feels they have to resort to bribery to gain affection. Do Not let this be you. You’re better than that. I know you are.

The mask you want to wear; the portrait you want to convey, the one that turns heads, is one of cavalier disregard balanced with an up-beat attitude, a positive outlook, self-determined action, an insatiable curiosity about the world & the people in it, and a fixed determination to accomplish the goals you have decided are worthwhile.

Show the world this is the person you are and they will “beat down your door” to meet you.

In these modern times, Belgians are beloved the world over for their chocolates, waffles and (to a lesser extent) doughnuts. But in 1771, while still under rule by Austria, they came up with something truly revolutionary: La Marche Des Canards.

Rumour has it that La Marche Des Canards was one of the weapons in Josephine de Beauharnais sexual “war chest”, used to seduce Napoleon Bonaparte in October of 1795. History tells us that six months later, he married her. Coincidence?

What was this weapon of seduction? It literally translates to English as “the march (or walk) of the ducks”. Derived from the way ducks will all waddle down to the pond in a single row and jump in the water, it describes the process of placing a line of petite kisses, starting at your lover’s forehead, down the bridge of their nose and “jumping” to their lips for the final smooch (big splash).

Historically, we lose track of it here, but “La Marche Des Canards” later resurfaces in the unlikeliest of places. After more than a century and a half, it shows up halfway across the world in the United States of America, just after the end of World War II. And, along with its transatlantic journey comes a new name: The Nose Dive.

While we only have anecdotal evidence to suggest that the name change came from returning U.S. Air Force pilots, “The Nose Dive”, does differ from its Belgian cousin in one important respect: The American “march” has been truncated and kisses only begin being placed on one’s lover’s nose mid-bridge.

If you have spent anytime at all associating with the human race, chances are you’ve been turned on to the idea of keeping yourself available to meeting your “soul mate”.

The elusive “yin” to one’s “yang”, countless numbers of romantic hopefuls talk gleefully of the day they will meet their “soul mate”. The truth is, they have probably already met any number of singles who could have become their soul mate.

Where the childhood fairy tales trip us up is in the expectation that our soul mate will show up on our doorstep one day, fully compatible with all our needs and desires.

As with many things in life, your soul mate will probably not look like anything like what you think your soul mate should look like when you meet him or her. It is, afterall, the deepening connections that happen through your shared experiences, trials and joys, as you build your life together that will ultimately transform you and that person in to each other’s soul mate.

The notion that soul mates are developed, through a deep shared connection, rather than being “ready-made” individuals you just haven’t met yet is contrary to the multiple media messages we get everyday about how easy and effortless love should be.

The bottom line is that relationships DO take work. If you start off with chemistry, mutual respect, a sincere desire to be together for the long-term and you are willing put in the effort to make the relationship work (this is where a lot people bail), you will find over time that you are with your soul mate.

Taking the responsibility of finding that person and not allowing yourself to chalk up your singlehood to fate, will increase your likelihood of meeting that special person who could become your soul mate.

In our point-and-click world of instant gratification and multiple choice living, were faced with more options about what to have, be and do than any other generation in history.

This is especially true when it comes down to choosing a mate. With the inroduction of the internet and the widespread use social media, our options have exploded. Where you were once limited to meeting someone in your geographical area, you can now meet people from all over the world.

Internet Dating, whose humble roots started in the back pages of the local newspaper classified section has lost the stigma of “desperation” and become and accepted and valuable time-management tool for students and young urban professionals on the go.

The promise is: your ability to meet thousands of singles who exactly match the criteria you have for a mate. This has lead some to adopt a “checklist” approach to dating.

The problem is: the longer your checklist is, the less people you will find who meet all your criteria. While this may help you to narrow the field of unlimited choices initially, you need to understand that as you add more attributes, you will be disqualifying people whom under different circumstances you might have called “The One”.

If you use your checklist as a “guide” and not a “must have” list of qualities, you will avoid the trap that many singles find themselves in while on their quest for love. Many times our lists contain attributes that are found across a range of personality types, and could never be realistically embodied by one person.

Here’s what to do:

Take your checklist and segregate it into 3 sections. Choose only your top five :
“must have” qualities
“would be nice to have” qualities and
“better not have” qualities

Keep it simple and you will find you are meeting a lot of potential partners. There are a lot of great people out there.

If you “buy in” to the media and societal message that your extensive checklist “soul mate” is “just around the corner”, you may find yourself being hyper-critical with the people you do date, to the point where you are continually disqualifying potential candidates based on minor flaws and never quite finding that perfect relationship you are so desperately chasing.

…never let it rest? Okay, that’s a good theory when it comes to working on your school projects or business ideas, but when it comes to romance, it could be recipe for perpetual singledom?

As you gain more experience in your dating life and attract higher and higher quality lovers, the more temptation there is to “trade up” when there’s a lull in the relationship rather than address the issue; even when, by most accounts, “everything’s great”.

Six months in to a stable, fulfilling relationship, shortly after the initial “honeymoon” phase, you may wake up one morning and ask yourself, “I wonder what else is out there?” Whether you act on that question or not may depend on how deeply influenced you are by the media reinforced cultural messages that:

1) there is always someone better for you out there
2) your odds of finding this person is inevitable given the number of singles looking for love in all the wrong places.
3) while your waiting to find your soul mate, you will have a great time hanging out with your single friends.

Fear of settling for someone who is less than perfect in every area and the belief that there are untold thousands of singles who will meet your specific romantic requirements keep many singles single.

The free and easy living depicted by Hollywood screenwriters and the romantic fantasies perpetuated by our television dramas and reality shows have somehow become the baseline expectations for our everyday lives. However, when the day-to-day reality does not match up with our entertainment ideals we are often left feeling disappointed; questioning and even devaluing the lives we have.

Don’t get caught in the trap of comparing your situation to the idealized versions coming through your television screen.