The Best Dating Advice

All over the world, millions of people are making resolutions they intend to implement this year. Some of those people are signing up for gym memberships, becasue they have resolved to be more fit this year. Some of those people are reading books and taking courses on how to quit smoking, because they are determined to live a healthier lifestyle this year.

My resolution is to help you build a better dating life and make 2009 your most successful year, where this part of your life is concerned. In a few days, we’ll be launching our most ambtitious project ever; a 52-week e-course called “My Best Year Ever”. We’re still nailing down the precise details, but this much I can tell you:

Like many of you, my post-Christmas cashflow is running a little low. And I do not believe that is something that should stop you from having an awesome year of dating. So, I have decided to release this e-course at the unbeatable price of: FREE. Check back in a few days for more details about what this e-course can help you achieve in 2009 and be sure to sign-up.

Here’s to your dating success in 2009

No matter where you end up tomorrow night, whether you find yourself lined up behind the police tape in Time Square to watch the ball drop, counting down the new year at your favorite club or mixing in the last tangible drops of 2008 with your favorite spirits at a house party, there is one thing you can do to separate yourself from the rest of the pack and become instantly attractive to any member of the opposite (in some cases, same) sex.

A few years ago, my buddy Mike and I were at a New Year’s Eve party where we knew absolutely no one. It was mostly a bunch of twenty-something university types that were stuck in town over the holidays. Our coats were piled up on one another in someone’s bedroom and our drinks were clustered in the kitchen. There was the usual “shop talk” about finals, graduate school and which teacher equated to what smell and so forth….. Here’s a tip: If you want to be interesting at a party, don’t talk about your GPA.

As we were introduced to the party guests and later arrivals were introduced to us, I made a point of remembering everyone’s name - not an easy task. So, when it came time to grab another beer and I spotted a two cute girls chatting in the kitchen, my knapsack at their feet, I was able to say to the cuter one: “Hey Dana, hand me my bag, will ya?”. I had met her only thrity minutes before and had not said more than a couple of words. Her eyes lit up and she seemed a little surprised, blurting out “You remembered my name”. “Sure”, I said as she followed me into the living room area. “This is Steve - hey Steve, and over there is Brett” and so, on.

Now, she wanted to talk to me, badly. I had sparked “instant attraction”. How often do you remember the names of people you meet at parties or of friends of friends? Can you count the number of times? If you’re like most people it’s probably somewhere between rarely and never. And this is exactly why “Dana” was impressed. Doing this made me stand out from everyone else. It made me different; intriguing; rare. It made her want to know more about me.

Here’s your three step action plan:

1) Remember everyone’s name (that’s the tough part) & talk to someone who looks interesting.
2) Use their name casually, in conversation (”Hey Julie, I was just talking to Brad in the other room. You know Brad right? [insert a fun fact about Brad here] We were just talking about “Eagle Eye”. Do you think something like that could actually happen?”)
3) Build on the intrigue and be social with the rest of the group (DO NOT isolate and cling to them all night).

Some presents are better than others. During the hustle & bustle of the holiday season, sometimes you find yourself between parties and family gatherings, alone with no one to share your company. No more does this ring true than for the city’s many singles, who may end up feeling lonely and left out.

One of the best times of the year to meet somone new is that five day strech between Christmas and New Year’s eve. Whether emboldened by drink, the comfort of friends and relations or merely drunk on the spirit of the holidays, people are just more receptive to new relationships at this time of year. It’s as though our whole society has slipped into the Twilight Zone - as though reality itself is temporarily suspended and anything is possible (which is the true nature and real power of the Christmas season).

People are more likely to have their defenses down and accept what they are being presented at face value. Their positive vibes will imbue you with the qualities they themselves value and even the simplest getsure will come across as a great humanitarian effort. It’s pretty easy to shine if you have love in your heart and a smile on your face.

Here’s your three step action plan for stepping out on the next five nights, starting the 26th:

1.) Put yourself in the middle of the action. You cannot make an impression if there’s no one to impress. Find the local “hot spot” and show up in a comfortable, but somewhat dressy outfit.

2.) Ask a lot of questions. You can never find out too much about someone who intrigues you.

3.) Be interested. Following step 2, listen with earger ears to what the other person is telling you. And don’t forget to ask follow up questions like “How do you mean that?” to show you are truly seeking to understand them. This most effestive way to get the other person interested in you.

If you follow this advice, don’t be suprised when the group you have befriended have to leave and ask you to tag along.

The Holiday Season officially kicks off next week. Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanzaa, this is the one time of year where we are able to transcend the minutiae and BS of everyday life and genuinely embrace our fellow man. Smiles and handshakes are seen as sincere expressions of interest and well-being rather than being filtered through the eyes of suspicion and cynicism.

One of the best ways to capitalize on all the good vibrations and socializing at this time of year is to make yourself the center of attraction - an ambassador of good will and peace towards all men.

Here’s your holiday season action plan (works best if Christmas is your thing, but if not, you can always make believe or substitute items/icons/wording as necessary):

Step One: Go to the Dollar Store in your neighbourhood and pick up a Santa hat.

Step Two: Wear your new chapeau out to the club, bar, reception or wherever you want to make an impression. You’ll immediately attract attention and people will be curious about you.

Step Three: Move among the crowd. Go from table to table and ask whomever is there (men, women, single, coupled) what they would like for Christmas.

Step Four: For even more fun, pretend that you actually are Santa Clause. Talk about your elves’ production schedules, jet-lag, or rather sleigh-lag, from traveling all night, how you thought you saw the person you are talking to’s name on the naughty-list, etc…

Step Five: Take this concept to the next level by getting yourself a sleek moleskin notebook. On four or five pages write down as many men and women names as you can think of on the left side. On the right side of those pages, write Naughty or Nice. This way, no matter who you run into, you can pull out your “little black book” and let them know if they will be getting a present or a lump of coal this year.

It’s a lot of fun and people WILL remember you; sometimes for years after-the-fact.

What do the economy and dating have in common? The current state of the stock market in many ways resembles someone who has lost their ability to be emotionally consistent; up 800 points, down 1000; up 300, down 700. Every step of the way, they are losing precious ground.

If we, and by we I mean everyone on the planet, were to allow ourselves to be unconcerned by the minor drops and gains of the day-to-day trading; If we weren’t watching the markets every second, demanding to know what it all means and desperately trying to hold on to every profitable cent, a lot of this instability would settle. The problem is we have invested in a strategy that is predicated on everything going in a positive direction. We have invested so much in to this one strategy, that the mere thought that we could possibly lose some ground will send us into a tailspin of irrational, fear based, behaviour.

Someone who does not have much experience with dating puts the same kind of pressures on their interactions when they go out on a date. They need things to go right. They need to make sure they say and do the right things. They need to make sure everything is perfect. This “need-iness” leads to questions like “Am I the kind of person you normally date?”, “Are you attracted to guys/girls like me?” and a whole host of reaction based questions.

Afterall, they have invested in a strategy and desperately want to hold on to every positive gain they have made during the date. Unfortunately, this strategy is steeped in fear, fear of losing the disired outcome - another date. And, this kind of behaviour is the quickest way to ensure their isn’t one.

Your biggest assets on a date is having an ability to “roll with the punches”. Even if it appears as though things are not going smoothly, you can recover quite easily by hanging back. Make a clever quip or relaxed remark, instead of frantically trying to “fix” the situation and you’ll see how easily things get back on track.

If you ask any male who is having trouble meeting women to date, he’ll likely tell you about how “bad” the dating scene is. He may even suggest that the only way to “get with a woman” is either to have a lot of money, be a celebrity or be an abusive jerk (a.k.a. a Badboy); as evidenced by the number of horror stories these guys hear, from the girl they desperately want to hook up with, about her crappy boyfriend.

What is it about these so-called “Badboys” that is so undeniably attractive to women? Why do women flock to them, even though they usually end up causing a lot of emotional and sometimes physical injury. Would you jab a pointy stick through your head to clean out a little earwax? Would you cut your arm off to stop it from itching? Probably not. Though it seems like this is exactly the kind of trade-off beautiful, smart, rational women are making when they date a Badboy.

Let’s see if we can’t demystify their mystique. First of all, they are typically not nice guys. They do not seem to care about anything or anyone. They are self-centered and aloof and communicate mostly through their body language. Forty thousand years ago, before modern language existed this was also how our ancient ancestors decided which males were good to mate with and would produce the best/strongest offspring. Hmmm…

Badboys never chase women. They are referred to as “a challenge”. The woman is working to get his attention rather than the other way around. How many times do guys beg and plead, trying to get a girl’s attention? How many times do guys have women chasing them but only want the one who won’t give them the time of day? Hmmm…

Badboys also have interesting lives. Since they typically have no regard for the social graces, they are prone to step on a few toes. Their emotions are raw and they express them freely. Have you ever noticed that they are continually getting into one emotionally dramatic situation after another? This is attractive because the drama and the emotion have nothing to do with the woman. She can watch safely from afar as it unfolds. Sounds kind of like a soap opera, doesn’t it? Do you know anyone that likes soap operas?

So those are just a couple of the things that badboys have going on that short circuit a woman’s rational brain and speak directly to her biology. And this is why they are never able to explain to you why they like that guy. WHY is a question based in logic. The badboy is more about a feeling, an intensity, a primal urge.

In the culinary arts, they say that the first bite is with the eye. Basically, the presentation of the food is believed to be as important as the taste. Because, if it doesn’t look good, our brains will tell us that it’s not likely to taste good either.

Madison Avenue would like us to believe that this same logic holds true when it comes to dating and relationships. After all, it serves their best interest. It helps them sell us more products as we try to achieve this ideal we are told we need to meet.

The flaw in their logic is that food cannot tell you about thier latest experience travelling along the Mayan Riviera, meeting Puff Daddy at a photo shoot or the spotting that Baby Phat sale on a side street boutique.

You see, good looks in and of themselves are merely a moment frozen in time; a portrait of a promise - a promise of a stellar personality. This is why athletic GQ guys and actresses grace the covers of our magazines. We are left to fill in that empty promise with our imagination and longings; deciphering what these celebrated humans must be like in person.

Despite the mass media messages bombarding our brains every day, the truth is, physical attributes are only half the equation when it comes to attraction. A vibrant, outgoing nature, graceful movements or an intriguing approach to life all factor in to the overall picture. This composite of features and personality is what we refer to as beauty

So long as you shower regularly and are well groomed, all you really need is a sense of style, inline with the type of person with whom you want to connect. Attention to character and charisma, combined with a little knowledge about what styles and fabrics suit your body-type and/or what makeup looks good on you is more important when it comes to being attractive to the opposite (or in some case the same) sex.

First impressions are important. You still want to look good, but having good looks isn’t really that necessary; as it’s peronality that will “seal the deal” when it comes to being attractive in the long term.

When it comes to dating and romance, nothing is more pressuring than a first date. But what if it didn’t have to happen that way? What if you had a plan? A basic blueprint for handling the date?

You know how it is. You are out minding your own business. Maybe you are out with friends at the pool hall, or even alone at the bus stop, and then you see them. Your pulse quickens, your sweat glands engage and you feel anxious. Who is this stranger who is intoxicating your senses? You instantly want to know all about them, even possess them. You lose the will to eat, the urge to sleep. This person is all you can think about.

Driven by your urges, you finally decide to make yourself vulnerable to rejection. You may have spent days or weeks mustering up the courage to talk to them and ask them out. But the risk turns out to be worth it, because they said “yes”. You relax. Your physiological responses return to normal and you start thinking about how great it is that you have set a date with this person.

This is where many people go astray. They start making HD quality pictures in their heads about how great things will be when they get together with this person and start investing a lot of emotion in to the process. When it’s finally time to go on the date, they have built up their expectations so high that there is MASSIVE pressure to make sure everything goes right.

Studies show that having a plan dramatically increases your chances of having things go the way you want them to. I recently posted a FREE nine-page PDF report called: “7 Tips To a Killer First Date”, designed to help you navigate the first date minefields. You can download it here:

When we have a romantic interest in someone, we want them to see us at our best. We typically dress to impress and tell a few stories that portray us in a positive light. We dab on a little extra cologne. We use our best make-up. We will even rent a sports car and turn up the charm, all to make a good impression.

Last Sunday, my girlfriend and I participated in CIBC’s “Run for The Cure”; both a walk and run raising funds and awareness for breast cancer. The magnitude of the event was striking. While we were trying to keep warm just before the start of the race, she noted that this would be a great place for guys to meet women. Afterall, there were about two hundred women for every guy in attendance.

I started thinking about how a woman might feel about a guy running for what is considered by most to be a “woman’s cause” (even though, about 2000 men in North America contract the disease every year). When we talked about it some interesting points came up:

1. You’ll generate a sense of mystery as to why you are there.

2. You are showing an awareness of issues beyond the snags in the latest X-Box release.

3. You are demonstrating a desire to contribute back to society.

4. You’ll be perceived as someone who is able to handle tough problems when they come up.

5. You are putting your humanity on display.

All of these qualities are extremely attractive to women and if you are open & friendly, don’t be surprised when you find yourself the center of attention.

I am always amazed at a woman’s ability to find the time to show up at a store and just BROWSE for a few hours. They don’t even need to buy anything to feel satisfied at the end of their experience. As a man, I like to go in, get what I want, pay for it and leave as quickly as possible. The subtle nuances of the experience are lost on me. Now this may seem like a trite example of a difference between the genders, but I believe it exposes some of the hard-wiring in our psychology.

When we want a hammer, we know to go to Home Depot. When we want a pair of socks, we know to go to Walmart. When we want winter tires, we know to go to Firestone. But where do we go when we want to meet a woman? I get this question on a fairly regular basis; as though there were some simple answer like, “Just go down to the woman store on Main Street & Vine and pick out one you like”. Absurd, right?

Well, that is kind of what is happening when men congregate with their buddies on a Friday night, waiting outside behind the red velvet ropes, listening to the hip-hop bleating out of the walls, waiting for the doorman to tell them they can go inside. We just happen to call this particular “woman store” a club or lounge or bar. The goal for many men going to clubs is to go in, get a girl they want, pay for some drinks and leave as quickly as possible with her. Not too unlike my shopping experience, eh? Hmm.

Men tend to answer the question of where to meet women using the same cognitive software that normally helps us to be successful in other areas of our lives; goal-oriented thinking and reasoning. The reason museums, dance classes, art galleries, amusement parks, arcades, concerts, etc.. are all great places to take women on dates is because all of these places are about the subtleties of an experience. They are not about attaining a certain goal or objective. Women are more likely to hang out in places that speak to their emotions. Bowling alleys and pool halls fall into both categories and work well with competitive women. The bottom line is, if you find out where the experiences are, you will find out where the women are.