The Best Dating Advice

Are you still stumped about what to get your guy for the holidays?

I remember, as as children, when any one of us asked what he wanted for Christmas (or even his birthday), my father would always say, “You know what I really could use? Some socks and deodorant”. Sure, he didn’t want us spending all our allowance on his gift, but he was also communicating one aspect of the perfect guy gift: practicality. To boil things down to a basic level, we are at heart, a goal setting and achieving machine. We get a lot of satisfaction from accomplishing our goals and any gift that helps us do that is always appreciated.

As men, our DNA evolved over time to help us better track down and kill our dinner. As we became better at this, our brains developed larger centers for spacial reasoning and more capabilities for deductive thought. In these modern times, however, these inherent skills are no longer needed to keep us alive. So, we instinctively seek out ways to exercise them. You can see them at work in the great architectual wonders of the world as well as in one of the most popular pasttimes of young North Amercian males: video games.

Another facet of life men have to negotiate is their status amongst a peer group. This can have a positive or negative effect on his social life, depending upon where he falls in that group. This is one reason most men (dare I say: All Men) love gadgets. No matter their purpose, they are cool. They are a symbol of male staus.

So, here are three questions you might want to consider before buying anything. Does your gift:

Help him accomplish something (have a prcatical value)?
Engages the spacial & problem solving parts of his brain?
Add to his social value among his peers (make him seem cool)?

If your gift has any one of these aspects, you’re on the right track. If it has all three, watch out, fireworks are about to explode.

This question has plagued men ever since our ancestors first started to celebrate the holiday. It’s especially troubling to new relationships, where you haven’t known one another for very long. It can be such a daunting question that we put off thinking about it until, uh oh, is it December 24th already?

When it comes to buying gifts for women, any present you intend to buy for her should be appropriate to her taste. However, figuring out what her tastes are is exactly where a lot of men get tripped up, despite their best intentions.

Women are regularly trying to understand the meaning of their communications with others. It’s just apart of the software hard-wired in them from birth. Often, what we may think of cute, cheeky or innocent may end up offending her once she looks at it through her “what does this gift say about me” filter. Here are a few questions to keep you on track:

Is your gift:
*Thoughtful (meaningful beyond the price-tag)?
*Considerate (connected to a shared moment)?
*Appropriate (suitable to her demeanor and style)?
*fun (about her spirit, not her need for a new kitchen appliance)?

Still unsure? Women are very good at giving off subtle hints about things they want or things they want guys (or their guy) to know. As men, we are terrible at picking up these subtle signals. We need the message loud and clear, not a faint whisper through bad reception on an old radio; which is what it often sounds like, so we dismiss it.

You can, however, with a little practice, become good at picking up these signals. Pay attention when the two of you are out window shopping. Look for clues when she says she likes something/doesn’t have something. It will usually just be a passing comment (to us anyway. She may feel like she’s being very clear). When the time comes, not only will she be surprised and smiling, saying, “How did you know? This is awesome”, it will show that you made a conscious effort to get her something you knew she would like. And that, when it comes from the right place, is very attractive to women.

If you make a note of these things and remember them for later, you will never have to scramble for a last minute gift ever again.

If you ask any male who is having trouble meeting women to date, he’ll likely tell you about how “bad” the dating scene is. He may even suggest that the only way to “get with a woman” is either to have a lot of money, be a celebrity or be an abusive jerk (a.k.a. a Badboy); as evidenced by the number of horror stories these guys hear, from the girl they desperately want to hook up with, about her crappy boyfriend.

What is it about these so-called “Badboys” that is so undeniably attractive to women? Why do women flock to them, even though they usually end up causing a lot of emotional and sometimes physical injury. Would you jab a pointy stick through your head to clean out a little earwax? Would you cut your arm off to stop it from itching? Probably not. Though it seems like this is exactly the kind of trade-off beautiful, smart, rational women are making when they date a Badboy.

Let’s see if we can’t demystify their mystique. First of all, they are typically not nice guys. They do not seem to care about anything or anyone. They are self-centered and aloof and communicate mostly through their body language. Forty thousand years ago, before modern language existed this was also how our ancient ancestors decided which males were good to mate with and would produce the best/strongest offspring. Hmmm…

Badboys never chase women. They are referred to as “a challenge”. The woman is working to get his attention rather than the other way around. How many times do guys beg and plead, trying to get a girl’s attention? How many times do guys have women chasing them but only want the one who won’t give them the time of day? Hmmm…

Badboys also have interesting lives. Since they typically have no regard for the social graces, they are prone to step on a few toes. Their emotions are raw and they express them freely. Have you ever noticed that they are continually getting into one emotionally dramatic situation after another? This is attractive because the drama and the emotion have nothing to do with the woman. She can watch safely from afar as it unfolds. Sounds kind of like a soap opera, doesn’t it? Do you know anyone that likes soap operas?

So those are just a couple of the things that badboys have going on that short circuit a woman’s rational brain and speak directly to her biology. And this is why they are never able to explain to you why they like that guy. WHY is a question based in logic. The badboy is more about a feeling, an intensity, a primal urge.

It’s difficult to have a healthy relationship, if you don’t know what that looks like. Any relationship of substance starts with a healthy respect for the other person. If it’s lacking on either side for whatever reason, none of the other characteristics will make up for it. Like the second characteristic, trust, it’s a deal-breaker if this element is missing. Supporting mutual respect and trust is honesty.

Together, like a divine trio, they form the basis of your relationship. And just as they support each other, you and your partner should support each other, mentally and spiritually. Your significant other should be interested in helping you achieve your goals, as you help them achieve theirs.

Ideally, the relationship will be one of equals. While this is never always the case, there should be a sense of fairness that permeates it. Having said all that, it is also important to realize you are both individuals, with your own identities, in your own right, as well as in the relationship.

The last piece to the puzzle that ties everything together is good communication. If you have that, you will be able to improve on other areas that may not be as strong.

Understanding our partners is critical to creating and maintaining emotional intimacy. It may take a lot of time and effort to develop that deeper connection. The result of this effort, though, is the basic building block that allows true love to grow in a relationship. The couples who have done this are the ones that can genuinely “weather any storm”. The key for them is that over the years they have been able to open their hearts and trust their partner. They communicate openly and honestly about themselves and their feelings.

So why do we mere mortals find it so hard to effectively get our messages across and understand the ones coming from our partner? We’re all speaking the same language right? Well, not really. You can think of it like this: Men are PCs and Women are Macs. And NO, I’m not saying one is better than the other. The point I’m making is that they both do similar jobs and use similar languages to do those jobs, but they have very completely different operating systems. Whereas men tend to operate from a very analytical point of view that is simple to understand, women tend to operate from an emotional center which incorporates a lot of complex thinking into their communication.

Aware of it or not, we human beings tend to make all of our decisions based on emotional factors and then justify our choices with our rational mind. It all happens very quickly at an unconscious level and usually isn’t noticed unless someone is actually watching for it. Now, even though it’s the same process for both sexes, men tend to focus on the logical reasons for their decision and may be completely unaware they were feeling anything when they made it. Women, on the other hand, are more likely to tell you that their decision, “just felt right”. Their rationalization has more to do with listening to what their “gut” has to say about the situation.

With this perspective on how the different sexes communicate, how difficult would it be to change our tone and words to reflect the opposite sex’s “Communication Style” and maybe deepen your own emotional connections?