The Best Dating Advice

One of the most frequently asked questions we got over the last few months was from guys who have fallen for a female friend and want to know how they can take their relationship to the next level. Well, let me ask you. How do you take a great friendship and turn it in to a great romantic relationship? You’re already friends, so it should be easy, right?

Not so fast. There are some simple and some not-so-simple things you can do. However, you need to be careful. You only get one chance to get it right.

If you’ve been relegated to “The Friend Zone”, there’s a very good chance the object of your affections SIMPLY DOESN’T SEE YOU (that’s an important piece of the puzzle of how you ended up in the Friend Zone in the first place). I don’t mean she’s blind or needs glasses. You are just not showing up on her sexual radar.

It’s like those movies, usually romantic comedies, where the ghost is trying to get a living person to notice them. The living person spends three quarters of the movie oblivious to the ghost’s subtle efforts. The ghost usually has to go and do something drastic before the person “sees” them. “Drastic”, when it’s done right, can convey everything you need to show up a as blip on her radar. When it’s done wrong, you’re no longer in a cute romantic comedy, you’re waist deep in a horror film and I can pretty much guarantee you’ll never see this girl again (been there, done that).

I don’t recommend “drastic” as a strategy (you may have realized things don’t turn out in life the way the do in movies). If you are tempted to try it, have a buddy tie you down (if necessary) – your emotions will prompt you to do crazy things and this is a situation that requires you to use your wits, no profess your undying love. That may sound counter-intuitive to you, but trust me, it could save your relationship.

So what do you do?

Well, I thought I would ask someone who has spent years trying to figure out the answer to the question “How do you turn a friend into your girlfriend?” This guy has written a couple of books and even put together a “Home Study Course” together on this subject. You could even call him an “expert”. The person I’m talking about is Simon Heong and he’s agreed to come on-board as a “guest blogger” and talk to us about getting your friend, who’s a girl to be your girlfriend. Look out for his first post in a couple of days.

You can check out his Home Study Course here

You may have noticed, we’ve been pretty quiet lately. You have hardly heard a peep from us. It’s true, we haven’t really put up anything new on the site for quite some time. You may have even thought we were DEAD. But just like a George Romero zombie, we’re re-animated and ready to bite into your brain. We’re making a commitment to deliver you more and better information as we head into summer.

Life (or in this case – Cyberdeath) can be very time consuming. We’ve been busy out in the field with our trainers and students, hanging out in the Dating Labs and coming up with great ideas – most of them need some fine tuning before we roll them out, but the seeds are there and we’re all very excited about them. Mostly though, we’ve been checking out the social scene, “coffee dating” by the pound and meeting up with average Joes and Janes, like you, to find out what’s on your collective dating minds and what and where we can do to help the most and best. Since we can’t possibly meet with everyone out there – you can always send us your ideas, fears, frustrations and suggestions. We want to hear them all.
Mail to: myinput@thebestdatingadvice.com

Halloween may still be months away. And you find the idea of dressing up in a costume to go out in public and garner the favor of strangers galling.

Yet, that is exactly what we all do, everyday. We “put on our best face”, “dress for success” and “take on the world. The truth is, we are all insecure (and some would say we’re conditioned to be this way from an early age). It’s in the way we are raised. In generations gone by, stepping out of your cultural norms or expectations could lead to public shaming. Of course this only works if you care about what others think.

There’s a school of thought that says this desire for getting other people’s approval is hardwired in us from the days we had a tribal culture when it was a struggle just to stay alive. Here, being in everyone’s good graces meant you had the protection and resources of the group to help you live another day.

We remain affected by this desire today. We are still under a lot of pressure to make sure we are well received by strangers, whether it’s a job interview or a first date. If we completely tank, on an emotional level, we feel that loss, that primal pain of not being accepted, deeply, as though those tribal conditions still existed.

Unfortunately, this emotional angst pops up continually in our dating lives. We have given it much more authority than it deserves in our modern times and even tied it in how we perceive ourselves. Many of us, fueled by this innate desire to be accepted, are prone to bargaining away the very thing that others find attractive about us.

When we attempt to trade our power in a relationship for acceptance, we present a less than desirable picture of who and what we are. The situation reeks of someone who does not value themselves and feels they have to resort to bribery to gain affection. Do Not let this be you. You’re better than that. I know you are.

The mask you want to wear; the portrait you want to convey, the one that turns heads, is one of cavalier disregard balanced with an up-beat attitude, a positive outlook, self-determined action, an insatiable curiosity about the world & the people in it, and a fixed determination to accomplish the goals you have decided are worthwhile.

Show the world this is the person you are and they will “beat down your door” to meet you.

In our point-and-click world of instant gratification and multiple choice living, were faced with more options about what to have, be and do than any other generation in history.

This is especially true when it comes down to choosing a mate. With the inroduction of the internet and the widespread use social media, our options have exploded. Where you were once limited to meeting someone in your geographical area, you can now meet people from all over the world.

Internet Dating, whose humble roots started in the back pages of the local newspaper classified section has lost the stigma of “desperation” and become and accepted and valuable time-management tool for students and young urban professionals on the go.

The promise is: your ability to meet thousands of singles who exactly match the criteria you have for a mate. This has lead some to adopt a “checklist” approach to dating.

The problem is: the longer your checklist is, the less people you will find who meet all your criteria. While this may help you to narrow the field of unlimited choices initially, you need to understand that as you add more attributes, you will be disqualifying people whom under different circumstances you might have called “The One”.

If you use your checklist as a “guide” and not a “must have” list of qualities, you will avoid the trap that many singles find themselves in while on their quest for love. Many times our lists contain attributes that are found across a range of personality types, and could never be realistically embodied by one person.

Here’s what to do:

Take your checklist and segregate it into 3 sections. Choose only your top five :
“must have” qualities
“would be nice to have” qualities and
“better not have” qualities

Keep it simple and you will find you are meeting a lot of potential partners. There are a lot of great people out there.

If you “buy in” to the media and societal message that your extensive checklist “soul mate” is “just around the corner”, you may find yourself being hyper-critical with the people you do date, to the point where you are continually disqualifying potential candidates based on minor flaws and never quite finding that perfect relationship you are so desperately chasing.

…never let it rest? Okay, that’s a good theory when it comes to working on your school projects or business ideas, but when it comes to romance, it could be recipe for perpetual singledom?

As you gain more experience in your dating life and attract higher and higher quality lovers, the more temptation there is to “trade up” when there’s a lull in the relationship rather than address the issue; even when, by most accounts, “everything’s great”.

Six months in to a stable, fulfilling relationship, shortly after the initial “honeymoon” phase, you may wake up one morning and ask yourself, “I wonder what else is out there?” Whether you act on that question or not may depend on how deeply influenced you are by the media reinforced cultural messages that:

1) there is always someone better for you out there
2) your odds of finding this person is inevitable given the number of singles looking for love in all the wrong places.
3) while your waiting to find your soul mate, you will have a great time hanging out with your single friends.

Fear of settling for someone who is less than perfect in every area and the belief that there are untold thousands of singles who will meet your specific romantic requirements keep many singles single.

The free and easy living depicted by Hollywood screenwriters and the romantic fantasies perpetuated by our television dramas and reality shows have somehow become the baseline expectations for our everyday lives. However, when the day-to-day reality does not match up with our entertainment ideals we are often left feeling disappointed; questioning and even devaluing the lives we have.

Don’t get caught in the trap of comparing your situation to the idealized versions coming through your television screen.