The Best Dating Advice

Traditionalists may want to have me stoned or dragged out to the market square and put in irons. You see, I have betrayed the bible of the “bon vivant”, the guide of the gourmet and the repository tome of all things Thanksgiving. As big of a sin as that was, I did not regret it for a single moment.

For Canadian Thanksgiving this year, my girlfriend and I chose swine over fowl. Yes, it’s true. We opted for slow cooked ribs over more traditional fare, like turkey. This devilishly delicious platter was a whole lot simpler than you’d think and it freed us up for a romantic night at home where the only significant time investment was the 45-60 minutes it took to chop up and bake the potatoes.

If you are going to try this at home, first you’ll want to pre-heat your oven to 425o F. Brown your ribs in the oven for 15 minutes on each side. Drain off the fat and marinate them in your favorite sauce BBQ sauce. We used Jack Daniel’s Smoked Hickory flavor. Place the ribs in a slow cooker and set it for 6-8 hours. One hour before they are ready, re-baste the ribs with the sauce reduction forming at the bottom of the cooker. Once the ribs are done, re-coat with more sauce. We took about a cup of the Jack Daniel’s sauce and mixed in a 2-1 portion of honey and molasses to thicken it before laying it over the ribs.

For the side we cut up a few potatoes, placed them on baking sheets and sprinkled them in oregano, salt & pepper and put them in an oven pre-heated to 350o F for 25 minutes.

This, of course, is not the only way to prepare succulent fall-off-the-bone ribs, but as far as an easy recipe that’s simple to prepare, doesn’t involve a lot of pots & pans and tastes as good as or better than the restaurant offerings, this was definitely one of the best romantic dinner ideas we have had.

When we have a romantic interest in someone, we want them to see us at our best. We typically dress to impress and tell a few stories that portray us in a positive light. We dab on a little extra cologne. We use our best make-up. We will even rent a sports car and turn up the charm, all to make a good impression.

Last Sunday, my girlfriend and I participated in CIBC’s “Run for The Cure”; both a walk and run raising funds and awareness for breast cancer. The magnitude of the event was striking. While we were trying to keep warm just before the start of the race, she noted that this would be a great place for guys to meet women. Afterall, there were about two hundred women for every guy in attendance.

I started thinking about how a woman might feel about a guy running for what is considered by most to be a “woman’s cause” (even though, about 2000 men in North America contract the disease every year). When we talked about it some interesting points came up:

1. You’ll generate a sense of mystery as to why you are there.

2. You are showing an awareness of issues beyond the snags in the latest X-Box release.

3. You are demonstrating a desire to contribute back to society.

4. You’ll be perceived as someone who is able to handle tough problems when they come up.

5. You are putting your humanity on display.

All of these qualities are extremely attractive to women and if you are open & friendly, don’t be surprised when you find yourself the center of attention.

I am always amazed at a woman’s ability to find the time to show up at a store and just BROWSE for a few hours. They don’t even need to buy anything to feel satisfied at the end of their experience. As a man, I like to go in, get what I want, pay for it and leave as quickly as possible. The subtle nuances of the experience are lost on me. Now this may seem like a trite example of a difference between the genders, but I believe it exposes some of the hard-wiring in our psychology.

When we want a hammer, we know to go to Home Depot. When we want a pair of socks, we know to go to Walmart. When we want winter tires, we know to go to Firestone. But where do we go when we want to meet a woman? I get this question on a fairly regular basis; as though there were some simple answer like, “Just go down to the woman store on Main Street & Vine and pick out one you like”. Absurd, right?

Well, that is kind of what is happening when men congregate with their buddies on a Friday night, waiting outside behind the red velvet ropes, listening to the hip-hop bleating out of the walls, waiting for the doorman to tell them they can go inside. We just happen to call this particular “woman store” a club or lounge or bar. The goal for many men going to clubs is to go in, get a girl they want, pay for some drinks and leave as quickly as possible with her. Not too unlike my shopping experience, eh? Hmm.

Men tend to answer the question of where to meet women using the same cognitive software that normally helps us to be successful in other areas of our lives; goal-oriented thinking and reasoning. The reason museums, dance classes, art galleries, amusement parks, arcades, concerts, etc.. are all great places to take women on dates is because all of these places are about the subtleties of an experience. They are not about attaining a certain goal or objective. Women are more likely to hang out in places that speak to their emotions. Bowling alleys and pool halls fall into both categories and work well with competitive women. The bottom line is, if you find out where the experiences are, you will find out where the women are.

You know the situation: You were out having fun and now you’re back at her place or his apartment and joking around. Suddenly the conversation dries up and you can feel it in the air. You should be doing something. You can hear the hands on the clock ticking loudly in your ears. The awkward silence is deafening. You need to make a move but you’re not sure how to transition things to the bedroom. Worst of all, it’s something you both want!

I discovered one of the best romantic comedies on the market that acts as the perfect segue. It’s a British show called “Coupling” that has been a part of my dating toolbox for a number of years. In fact, I have often referred to it as Seduction In A Box. It’s similar in concept to the show “Friends” except that all these friends talk about is sex and it doesn’t hurt that this show is about ten times funnier, sassier and a whole lot more clever.

Here’s why I like this product in this situation:

1. It makes transitioning from “talk” to “touch” extremely smooth.

2. It virtually guarantees you won’t blow things by acting awkward and being hesitant.

3. It gets everyone thinking about sex in a light-hearted way.

4. It’s a show that is relevant to both men and women.

5. It’s portable (in case you end up at their place).

I highly recommended getting the whole series (they come as a boxed set if you do). The shows are just that addictive. If that wasn’t reason enough, check out all the “gems” on the bonus DVDs. And you can get all four seasons for under $100.00 CAD

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It’s difficult to have a healthy relationship, if you don’t know what that looks like. Any relationship of substance starts with a healthy respect for the other person. If it’s lacking on either side for whatever reason, none of the other characteristics will make up for it. Like the second characteristic, trust, it’s a deal-breaker if this element is missing. Supporting mutual respect and trust is honesty.

Together, like a divine trio, they form the basis of your relationship. And just as they support each other, you and your partner should support each other, mentally and spiritually. Your significant other should be interested in helping you achieve your goals, as you help them achieve theirs.

Ideally, the relationship will be one of equals. While this is never always the case, there should be a sense of fairness that permeates it. Having said all that, it is also important to realize you are both individuals, with your own identities, in your own right, as well as in the relationship.

The last piece to the puzzle that ties everything together is good communication. If you have that, you will be able to improve on other areas that may not be as strong.

Pop culture, music and film have set our expectations through the roof when it comes to dating. If you are not flying to Paris for dinner, attending the latest star-studded premiere and hanging out in the hottest club’s private room, we are somehow made to feel we have missed the mark in making our date a successful one.

What they don’t tell you; what always works; what is important about your date; is making a connection with the other person, and it doesn’t take a lot of flash and glitz to do that. All you really need is to have a plan and execute it, even if that’s only shooting pool.

Be creative and use your imagination when you are thinking of places to go or things to do. Being original and unpredictable is immensely attractive and much more valuable than throwing a lot of cash around. However, you still want to make a good impression, especially if it’s a first date.

So, instead of taking your date to the dive across the tracks where they have the dollar coin tables that let you play all night, try the trendy penthouse pool hall with the leather chairs with the tables you rent by the hour. Play a game or two before moving on to the next part of your date. You don’t have to blow your wad, but show them you are not a cheapskate either.

There is no best way to end a relationship. Someone always gets hurt. The only thing you really have control over is how painful it is going to be. If you have tried to reconcile your differences, put a good deal of effort in to repairing the relationship and still aren’t seeing any improvement, it may be time to plan your “exit strategy”.

Arrange to see your partner in person. No matter what anyone says, it is never acceptable to break-up with some any other way than face-to-face. Sure, it’s more difficult that way, but it is what they deserve and it shows respect. Give them specific reasons for the breakup, preferably in a matter-of-fact tone of voice. Whatever you have to say, be honest and get it all out. There’s no going back two weeks later saying “And another thing…” Let them respond and be heard. Be polite. Say goodnight.

Understanding our partners is critical to creating and maintaining emotional intimacy. It may take a lot of time and effort to develop that deeper connection. The result of this effort, though, is the basic building block that allows true love to grow in a relationship. The couples who have done this are the ones that can genuinely “weather any storm”. The key for them is that over the years they have been able to open their hearts and trust their partner. They communicate openly and honestly about themselves and their feelings.

So why do we mere mortals find it so hard to effectively get our messages across and understand the ones coming from our partner? We’re all speaking the same language right? Well, not really. You can think of it like this: Men are PCs and Women are Macs. And NO, I’m not saying one is better than the other. The point I’m making is that they both do similar jobs and use similar languages to do those jobs, but they have very completely different operating systems. Whereas men tend to operate from a very analytical point of view that is simple to understand, women tend to operate from an emotional center which incorporates a lot of complex thinking into their communication.

Aware of it or not, we human beings tend to make all of our decisions based on emotional factors and then justify our choices with our rational mind. It all happens very quickly at an unconscious level and usually isn’t noticed unless someone is actually watching for it. Now, even though it’s the same process for both sexes, men tend to focus on the logical reasons for their decision and may be completely unaware they were feeling anything when they made it. Women, on the other hand, are more likely to tell you that their decision, “just felt right”. Their rationalization has more to do with listening to what their “gut” has to say about the situation.

With this perspective on how the different sexes communicate, how difficult would it be to change our tone and words to reflect the opposite sex’s “Communication Style” and maybe deepen your own emotional connections?

There is definitely an “art” to conversation. The problem is that most of us are clueless as to what that might be. I mean, how do you start a conversation with a someone you have never met before? I’m sure you know that, as much fun as they are, pick-up lines are the quickest way to have yourself labeled as a loser or psycho. You want to be fun and engaging. Take something simple like “hello” and go a step further. “I thought I would come over and say (use of air-quotes optional) Hello!” And then pause and actually say, “Hello!”. or swap it up after the pause with, “but then I decided against it. You know where I could get some Cheese Doodles?”. And wait for him or her to respond. Congratulations, you have officially “broken the ice”.

Another fun thing I like to do is approach a girl from the side, stand next to her, see what she’s looking at and say, in a low voice, “So, are you planning to steal that?” Just be sure you have a comeback for whatever she says, like, “That’s good, I was going to grab it myself and you had me worried I might have to wrestle you for it”. And remember to keep a straight face.

Your goal should be to stand out, by being original - not so much in what you are saying, but how you are saying it. A key to achieving this goal is to be sincerely interested in what the other person is talking about. Be in the moment. Use humour and tease them a little about what they are saying. You want to create an atmosphere of “play”. Ask unusual questions and tell truthful and off-the-wall stories about yourself and people you know. Purposely misinterpret something they say and put a funny spin on it.

You can see them everywhere you go; at the coffee shop, at the movies, at the grocery store. They are the cynically callous couple who breeze through unfettered by the ups and down of a relationship. The causal observer may think they have a firm handle on their romance, but there is more to it than that. They are more than super relaxed, more than Mr. & Mrs. cool. They’re actually disengaged, the walking dead, as it were. Instead of recognizing the truth and starting over with someone new, they have decided to hold on like a drowning man on a lifeguard.

So, how do you know when it is time to say goodbye? The relationship may be over:

If you have lost all interest in sex

If you have stopped talking about your future plans

If you prefer to hang out with your own friends

If you avoids your partners friends and family

If you stop with the public displays of affection

If you feel you can no longer confide in the other person

If you start picking fights for no reason